Comments (11)

1. Deb Owen

   January 24, 2012 at 8:20 am

   Amy! I just adore you.

   I was raised in a legalistic church (think Southern Baptist and take a right) coming from an entire family full of preachers. I walked away and spent about 15 years in what I refer to as my “unchurched-OF-the-world” years. I faced a lot of darkness, including addiction, during that time. I came back. When I came back, though, it was a whole different deal. (I had a blog writing and detailing this journey for quite some time, though it’s gone now. )

   My experience is that it’s not about religion — it’s about relationship (with God). And that journey is a deep and personal one. (Really. Don’t get me started on ‘westernized Christianity’ and how we’re going from the outside-in and..and…I could go on for days. haha)

   I can’t say that I don’t listen to the leadership at the church I now attend. But one reason I attend a mega-church is that it’s allowed me the ability to know leaders I can learn from, but I’m also free to pursue my personal path with God (in fact, it’s encouraged there).

   May I make a suggestion? Dallas Willard. Read Dallas Willard. Any of it. (ha) The Divine Conspiracy most probably being a good one to start with. Renovation of the Heart following close behind. And Spirit of the Disciplines being my personal favorite as he gives a blueprint for how we find that personal relationship — and yes, grace and power — to live a divinely inspired life. It’s about being more of who we’re meant to be and finding our path. Studying his work gave me a whole new perspective that truly changed my life.

   This, by the way, was the entire reason I began my Grace Addict course. It was to help people go beyond ‘religion’ into a practice, into training, into practicing principles that bring peace, joy, love, abundance, and immeasurably more than we dare ask or imagine into our daily practical lives — now. To encourage people to find their own understanding of – and walk with – God. To teach the tools, and let people find their own way.

   I can absolutely relate to where you are. And all the doubts, fears, the struggle to ‘go against’ the upbringing and deeply rooted support systems and ways you’ve been taught — to dare strike out and follow your heart and your calling to find yourself and find God. It’s so so hard.

   Please feel free to email/etc at any time. If I can ever be of help, encouragement, or just listen as you go along your journey, I’m more than happy to do so.

   Thank you so much for your post and for sharing.
   Rooted & Grounded in Love,
   Deb

2. Elizabeth Cottrell

   January 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

   Amy, your courage to share this has the potential to help so many others. May God bless you richly and may you always find the guidance you need.

   I’ve just written a blog post myself on surviving a period of spiritual winter…not the same as what you’ve been through, but still painful. In fact, I would say you are undergoing a spiritual awakening.

   You and Deb Owen are both doing important work for the world.

   Elizabeth – a fellow “Famer”

3. Deborah

   January 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm

   Dear-heart, I have been in your shoes. I didn’t grow up Mormon but I grew up in a strict religious household and when my life path wrote chapters in a different direction from what I had been raised with it felt as if all was lost. My heart ached for you as I read your words above as I know those feelings all too well. You are brave … to have shared your story and to continue to live your life as you see it meant to be lived. Your childhood experiences have shaped the core of who you are today. Your soul supports who you are searching to be. There’s a Shoshone Proverb I take great comfort in reading. It’s about non-judgmental living: “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thought nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” Faith and the connection you have with God or whatever higher power you believe in is like that … the comfort of feeling safe as you are in the loving arms and support of that Being. May “the breath of kindness” bless you and may “the rest” blow away. All my best, Deborah, Your Fellow CF Family Member

4. Marina Kostina

   January 24, 2012 at 7:09 pm

   You are so brave and so deep and so incredibly amazing. I am so blessed to know you, my dear friend and lok forward to following your soulfull tribe series. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

5. Amy Wengreen

   January 24, 2012 at 7:34 pm

   Ladies….my cup runneth over. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. They strengthen and nourish me. My story is like many. Losing faith or a certain belief…..a complete paradigm shift can be so hard. Thank you Deb, Elizabeth, Deborah, and Marina. I feel your love, really I do. I have learned that if we open up and share our story, many paths and friendships are ready and waiting for us. I look forward to the day of meeting you lovely ladies. (Thankfully Marina……we have meet and my life is better because of it). I love you. xo

6. Linnette Dooley

   January 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

   I also left the Christian faith about 30 years ago. I understand what it means when you say it defined who you were. I felt very vulnerable for a while. But I would not be who I am today if i had stayed within the cozy, confines of the faith of my upbringing. I have taken a path that has allowed me to do the deep, healing work that I needed to do. Thank you for sharing your story. And continued blessings on your journey.

7. Amy Wengreen

   January 25, 2012 at 11:20 am

   Thank you Linnette. I feel the same way….now. I need to go through what I went through. It was hard to see that at the time. But I am thankful for the lessons I have learned.

8. Marilyn CLULOW

   January 26, 2012 at 7:16 am

   I grew up in a non religious home, although we were sent to Sunday School, for which I am grateful. The only times I went to church were for weddings or funerals. I married a scientist and an atheist, I became an atheist ,my husband told me that if I ever became religious that would be the end of our marriage. I was very passive, a registered nurse a stay at home mom with 3 children. Then Women’s Lib. came to my small town and after one consciousness raising meeting I returned home literally a totally different woman. Within a week I was on TV, Radio and talking to women’s groups, prosletyzing all over the place , my husband did not know what hit him. I became a social activist, organized boycotts, demonstrations.This quiet , passive woman became a warrior , still keeping house and home together and challenging my husband at every turn. Then God came looking for me I did not go looking for Him, I was dragged kicking and screaming along the path until I surrendered and decided to go check out this God who was bothering me, was God a She , HE or it and where did He, She, It hangout and so the search started, many dark nights of the soul, many hurts , traumas, fights, struggles until I found myself and God. Now here I am today, in my mid seventies, peaceful , content, making art, still married , beautiful well adjusted children. I quietly share what I have learned in my journey and I emanate my light , as one of my spiritual teachers advised me to do. Thank you for sharing your story Amy , it made me remember mine, it was so very tough, I was brought to my knees so many times, but I would not change one micro second of it, because it brought me to this beautiful place that is uniquely mine.

9. Amy Wengreen

   January 29, 2012 at 11:47 am

   Marilyn,
   Thank you so much for sharing your story. I love hearing about the moments that change us, really change us. We all get a different life story and I feel it is so important to share our experiences with others. What I love most from those, like you, who have reached out to me after I have shared via Catherine’s blog………is the love and acceptance I feel. I feel no judgment. Just love, compassion and understanding. Thank you Marilyn.

10. David Matthew Fairchild

    February 15, 2012 at 9:50 am

    My Good Cousin Amy,

    I really must say, I’m shocked. I always thought that if anyone in your family would leave the Morman faith it’d be your sister. I can’t really explain why I thought that, I just did. For some strange reason I always thought between your sister, brother and yourself that one of you would leave that faith. I don’t know what to say other than I always thought that you’d turn out alright and I firmly believe that this is not a terrible thing that you did, leaving something that you doubted. I hope that you’ll find piece with your decision. If there are those that judge you, do not fret! I am of firm belief that there’ll be but one to judge and that’s be the Almighty God! I do not know what you believe in now, but I’ve always sensed that you’re a good spirit!

    Unlike yourself I was brought up quite differently. I should write a book of my experiences. I think that if I did I would be of some assistance to someone going through Hell on Earth. I know that you probably didn’t know my father well. It’s amazing to me when I look back how I always protected my father, who was terrible. He use to beat my mother, brother, sister and myself. He drank constantly as I was growing up. Every night that he came home from work he consumed anywhere from a six pack to a case of beer. Sometimes he had some vodka with his beer. I recall many a night that he’d start beating my mother and my sister would come to my brother and I. We’d huddle in our room and pray that our mother would make it to the morning.

    I recall one evening of my Father’s drunken episodes like it was yesterday! It was one of the most horrible nights of my life. It was one of two times that I ever recall seeing my Grandmother (my Father’s Mother) cry. My father woke us all up about midnight. He kept playing this song on a 45 record over and over again. I don’t recall the name of the group, but the lyrics we’re, “If they don’t have Morgan David in Heaven…Then who the Hell wants to go…”. I remember sitting on the floor horrified, as my father threatened over and over again to kill himself that night. My mother, sister and grandmother egged him over and over again not to. My brother and I were silent. I have never asked my brother what he was thinking, but I recall what I was thinking with clarity. I a can visual Dana Carvy as the “Church Lady” on SNL, “Could it be Satan!”. The thought I had in my mind was, “Daddy, how about I go get one of you guns? Which one would you like to blow your brains out with?”. As these thoughts and others like getting my baseball bat and bashing my father’s head in came to my mind, it was as if a warm, comforting hand was upon my shoulder. Suddenly the thought came to say nothing and I felt a calmness and surrenity that I never felt before. I believe that it was Gods Grace that I didn’t encourage my father to kill himself or kill him myself that night. From that day forward I had a constant and firm faith without doubt in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost!

    In case you ever wondered why I was so quiet. It was simply because, i bottled it all up inside as a child. My father robbed me of a childhood and for years I feared that if i talked much I might tell on him. I’ve never publicly told this story, but I think it is relavent to your spiritual journey. I spent years trying to figure my father out. I drove a truck, like he did. I worked on cars, like he did. I joined the Air Force, like he had. I drank like a fish as he did. I came to a simple conclusion after what had been a life time of living with a quest to know my father. He was miserable, whatever the reason was I did know. For a lifetime I had hoped for a, “That a boy!”. At about 33 years old I realized I don’t need anything from my father. He had been miserable and made me miserable for years. It wasn’t my fault and certainly not my probablem. Some time later following the epiphany that I had I came to realize pHave a happy Valentin’s Day Melissa!eace regarding my father, I forgave him. As I forgave my father I forgave my mother ()for staying with him all those years, forcing my siblings and I to endure that Hell. I realized that he’s only a man and all that he did to others and myself was his burden not mine. To this day I have a relationship with my father. I love him and accept him for all that he is now and was. He’s a better man now and strangely enough quite likable. I would have like to have had a normal childhood, but now I realize that it doesn’t matter to me anymore.

    Back to my spirituality, I grew up in the First Southern Babtist

11. David Matthew Fairchild

    February 15, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Oops, I’m still getting use to this iPhone.

    As I was s writing, I grew up In the First Southern Babtist Chirch. So I was convinced that I was going straight to Hell and felt an enormous amount of guilt. Plus, I was disillusioned with the people that all too often just seemed fake. I go to Church when I feel the need. I have a relationship with God and this what I really believe. Life is a gift. God gave it to us to live and we help each other along as we share our lives and experiences. Many religions have pieces of the truth, but no one religion has it all right. Having said that, I don’t look forward to a one World religion!

    Regarding my service in the USAF; I did not join simple to figure out my father. At the age of nine I was certain about a few facts; 1. There is a God, 2. I love America so much that I would fight for her and if fighting meant dieing, so be it!, 3. I would learn to love myself and in many ways be the opposite of my father. So that when I had a child I would treat him well with guidance, assurance and love. My child is five now and so far I’ve managed to be a good father to my boy. One last thing, this may not come as a shock, Amy, I admired your father mor than my own. I was going to join the Marine Core, but your dad said, “Na you don’t want to be a jar head. David join the Air Force, like your father did.”

    Best Wishes on Your Journey and Love You Cuz!